Mark Geller

Yesterday’s post was a bit esoteric talking about some of the finer points of modern art, so today I thought I would bring things back to earth a bit with a post on my daily life. As most of you know who are in contact with me regularly, last week I had surgery to repair two hernias, one umbilical (in my belly button) and one inguinal.

For those you who have not had the pleasure of undergoing hernia surgery, this is an out-patient procedure where they put you under general anaesthetic, make a few incisions, do the repairs, and send you home a few hours later.

Needless to say, hernia repair  is not the most fun a person could have while lying down. However, I try to be a silver-lining type of guy, so I am going to focus on the positives. With that in mind, here are 5 good things about having double hernia surgery:

1. Couch potatos wanted. Those incisions in your gut are going to need some time to heal–so absolutely no cardio exercise or heavy lifting is allowed for 4 weeks–doctor’s orders. In fact, even sitting upright in a chair for extended periods of time causes soreness, so this is a good time to get off your feet and indulge your wildest couch potato fantasies.
2. Pyjama party. Due to the location of the incisions, you really can’t wear heavy pants with a belt or even shorts with elastic… pretty much your only option for the first week is to stay in your PJs 24-7.
3. New belly button. If you have an umbilical hernia, this is your once-in-a-lifetime chance to give a new look to your midriff–and it’s even covered by health insurance! After being an “outtie” for 4 decades, I am now the proud owner of a shiny new “innie.”
4. Percocet. No doubt you are going to need some narcotics to numb the pain for the first few days after surgery. (Bonus: The more hernias you get fixed at one time, the stronger the drugs they give you!) In my case, they wrote a prescription for 100 pills… that’s enough to keep Rush Limbaugh going for like, 25 minutes. As a mere mortal, I used eight, then flushed the rest.
5. Cool war stories. As Keanu Reeves said in The Replacements, “Chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever.” Granted, there may not be a lot of glory in double hernia surgery, however with a few minor embellishments, your story gets significantly more heroic… “Nah, I can’t take credit for it, it was just instinct to jump in front of that charging rhino to save the orphans, anyone else would have done the same.”

When you consider all the positives of this experience, it’s almost a shame to be well on the path to recovery now. No worries, I’ve got another one that will need to be fixed in a few years.